Fear and Self-Loathing in Cary

Did you ever do something so stupid you immediately hated yourself, but you couldn't fix it? I just did.

I had a fight with my best friend. Through text messages. First of all, that makes me about 12, so ha-ha, I know. Second, we've been friends for 11 damn years. I'm closer to her than I am to my sister, and she genuinely makes me try to be better. She's prettier than I am, she's nicer than I am, she's calmer than I am, and she's always been better at the job we both do. She's always seemed really, truly happy, too. I'm still crying right now, so I'm not thinking entirely straight, but I'm positive it was my fault. It always is.

I can't fix it right now, though.

We're both so angry and upset that anything I say will make it worse. I hate myself so much right now. I hope that a few days of cooling off and thinking clearly will help, but I don't know. She's never been so mad at me (that I know of). I need to think about what happened, so I know how to try to make it up.

And no, this isn't an olive branch to her or a cry for help. I never told her I made this, so I doubt she knows, and I'd bet money she doesn't read it if she does. And a cry for help? Please. I'm a grown-up, and I did something stupid. I need to think about what I did and take care of it myself.

I've been a kid my whole damn life, and I need to grow the hell up.